No One Ever Said This Would be Easy

Well, it would seem tht the roller coaster that is adoption has hit a low point.  We have an immigration interview scheduled for Monday.  We had to wait almost to weeks to get this interview...and Monday
morning, I have to call the embassy to postpone it.  Claudia wants me to try to get it rescheduled for Wednesday, and I am going to try with all my might to do that.  But the reality is...it is highly unlikely that we will be able to and that means there is no way we will be able to travel home on the first.

I wish I could say that I have just accepted this news and rejoiced in God's wisdom and timing,  I haven't.  The truth is, I am really frustrated with myself because I am so disappointed and discouraged.  We have known all along that this was possible, although I was worried about the interview itself and not the ability to even get it.  We knew there was no set timeline and we knew there could and probably would be roadblocks.  I am angry at myself for being so easily shaken.  I told Chris this morning (last night to most of you) that I was determined not be down today and was going to kick the devil in the butt by having a good attitude.  And I have really tried.

But the truth is...this experience is teaching me some stuff about me that I don't really like learning.  And maybe that is why we are going through it...man, discipline STINKS!

So, this is what I am realizing.  We have, for the most part had a dream adoption experience.  We have had some ups and downs, but it has been just over a year and we have legal guardianship of our daughter...that is crazy fast from what others we know have experienced.  We have been blessed with a lot of financial support, we have been loved on like crazy by our church family, and we have seen God work out some amazing things!

I have said all the right "holy" things about how faithful God has been throughout this experience and how He has worked so mightily...and he has.  But here is the thing, when things have gotten cloudy his week and paperwork wasn't getting done, my hope has plummeted!  I have said things and thought things like, God has worked everything out so far, He will be faithful in this.  And yes, He will...but that doesn't mean He will do it my way or in my timing.  God is still faithful even though we are losing our interview spot.  God will still be faithful when we aren't getting on that plane next Saturday night.  God is faithful even though I cannot seem to sleep here.  He is faithful when I start freaking about the cost of changing plane tickets and getting two together this close to the holidays.  He is faithful when I start thinking about the extra groceries and trips to Kampala and how to know when to get our tickets changed to.  He is faithful on the days that we don't have much to do and it feels like living three days in one.  He is faithful when I feel like we are putting other people out trying to make us feel welcome or because they feel sorry for us being stuck out on our own.  God is faithful and is with my other kids and family even though I am not.  God is faithful when I want to whine but know that I really need to just suck it up.  God is faithful and worthy of thanksgiving even when I have to reach pretty hard to FEEL thankful.  God is faithful.  But, man am I struggling with that.

To be honest, I keep waiting for my miracle.  I keep waiting for God to "show out" and work out every little detail so I can go around testifying!  I keep hoping for some out of the blue phone call saying the passport guy came into the office on the weekend and signed ANNET'S passport.  But the reality is: He is worth testifying about even without that miracle...He is God, Creator of life, Giver of Hope, the I Am, my Savior, my Hope, the Light of the World, Merciful and Just and Holy...all on His own.  he doesn't need me or my conditional testimony.

And if that isn't enough, I also realize how weak my trust in His grace is.  Because while I know that I know that I know we are saved through grace and that as a follower of Christ, I have not been promised an easy road, I keep kicking myself thinking that it is all my fault...I didn't pray long enough or hard enough, I haven't been faithful enough in my quiet time, I am being punished.  And while I know those arguments are theologically garbage...I am continually fighting the urge to do something to please God
and encourage Him to find favor with me.

So, maybe this struggle has nothing to do with me...or maybe it is my Loving Father's way of "creating in me a clean heart and renewing a right spirit within me."  (Psalm 51:10)

Boy, do I hope I learn this lesson quickly!

So, I really am at a loss to ask you how to pray right now, I guess just pray how the Spirit leads you.  For now, I am clinging to Romans 8:26, "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."