Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

We reached another milestone on Monday with the completion of our Biometrics Appointment.  In case you are wondering, that is the exact same thing as the local fingerprints they took a few months ago but it involved taking off work, driving to Memphis and paying about 5 times more.  But I digress.

We are expecting Immigration approval sometime next week and we will be ready to get everything together and send to Uganda! Yay!

Except...we talked to our stateside representative yesterday and he did not have a lot of good news.  First, we had been assuming that we had been approved by the orphanage (I guess that is the "no news is good news" syndrome).  In actuality...they haven't even LOOKED at our paperwork yet.  I cannot fault them.  I know they have far more important things to do, like caring for over 90 children.  But I still felt a little disappointment, mostly because we have rushed so much to get everything in and this is something we have NO control over.

He also told us the news that I am struggling the most with.  At this point, there are no children that are adoption eligible to be referred to waiting families.  So, even when we get approval, there will not be a child to refer.  He has been honest with us from the beginning, so this shouldn't have been a big surprise but the sadness I feel is still there.

I have to admit that I have struggled with this a bit since hearing the news.  I tend to live a bit inside my head (very typical for introverted souls like me) so I have this ongoing dialogue and argument taking place all the time.  On one hand, I feel so sad and angry at the fact that extreme poverty has thrown so many millions of children into this very situation...in orphanages because their families cannot afford to care for them and yet no possibility of being placed in a loving family because they are not a true orphan.  I know this is not the fault of anyone in particular, but it is the source of great frustration for me.  I would not want to take a child out of the country if they have any chance of ever being reunited with their families, and yet my heart breaks at the vicious cycle they are thrown into because of the rampant poverty.

On the other hand, our representative told us to join him in praying that more available children could be identified and brought to the orphanage so that they could begin referring them for adoption.  As of yet, I just have not been able to pray that prayer.  In my mind, I am sure that there are children out there that could be adopted...and I want to do that.  I want to bring our little girl home.  And yet, the thought of praying for that feels wrong.  The truth is...I don't want another child to be without a family.  I don't want another child who will always live with the grief and loss and knowledge that they are an orphan.  As unreasonable as it is, I cannot make myself pray in that way.  Yet, I know those children are out there.  So I wonder...where is my little girl?  Is she suffering somewhere right now?  Does she have enough food and is there anyone around that is loving on her?  I have always imagined her in the safety and comfort of Good Shepherd's Fold.  I have imagined her learning about Jesus and being told she is special.  And now, I know that, right now...she isn't there.  Has she already experienced the grief of losing a parent, or is that sorrow yet to come?  I desperately want her to be identified and brought to the orphanage so we can bring her home...but at what cost to her?   Aaaaaagh!  This is the way my mind has gone today.

I wonder, are we doing the right thing?  Have we spent all this money and time for the right reason, or would we have been doing more if we found a way to give money to those 90 children who cannot be adopted?  I just don't know.  So, today, I am not celebrating a milestone as much as trying to figure out how to pray and where we go from here.

It probably does not help that Chris is out of town and we cannot communicate in any way until he comes home on Sunday...that is why the bloggy world gets to see the craziness of my thoughts that I usually reserve for him.

So, how can you pray...clearly, I am not sure.  I guess for God's direction and for his hand to be on the people of Uganda and on the children of Good Shepherd's Fold; that children who are adoption eligible would be identified so that they could be placed in loving families; that children who are not adoption eligible would be given opportunities like being place in places like Good Shepherd's Fold where they will still be loved and cared for and told about a loving savior; that people would come alongside these families and they could find ways out of the poverty that permeates the country so that their families could be reunited; and that I would not have a nervous breakdown before Chris returns on Sunday!  :)

Love you all!